I have a fond memory of football practice in the 8^th grade.  Funny you’d have to have played football to appreciate this, but football is one sport that the practices always suck.  You struggle all week just so that you get to play in the game.  Game time is pure fun.  Anyway this practice started off in a drizzling rain, and as the practice progressed the rain became more intense and we were all soaked.  This was back in the 80’s when our equipment wasn’t so good, but the fact that most of it was a hand-me-down made it worse.  As the practiced ended we all huddled around the coach anxiously awaiting the instructions, as usual we all kneeled down on one knee so that he could see everyone and it also offered a little bit of relief or rest.  Kneeling waiting, being soaking wet the coach begins to speak... all of the sudden the sprinklers kick on.  No one moves we all just sit there as the coach finished his speech.  I do remember the coach laughing as if to say, “What does it matter at this point”. 



New Year ’s Day I receive a text from my wife’s first partner in adultery (Monty).  Not even sure how he has my number.  Regardless he thought it was a good time to let me know that he was sorry and that he was going to take responsibility for what he did.  Not sure how you do that?  Can he give me back those nights of not knowing where my wife was?  Can he give me money for the plane tickets that my wife bought for him, so that he could travel with her on her business trips?  Maybe repay my family for the car payments my wife made on his behalf?   Can he doing anything for the horrible feelings of insecurity that my children have the night that their mother told them she was going to blockbuster and never came home?  I’m not a physiologist, but can’t help but think that it must be his way of trying to stay relevant.  I guess he figured since he hadn’t heard from Nona (my wife) in a while that getting me stirred up would force her to contact him.  Nona’s address, telephone had changed and I speculate that she was trying to leave him in the past.  It has been a month since his text and I have not responded.  What do you say to someone so selfish?  “I hope you get nut cancer, and If we ever cross paths I will most likely beat you till you wanna die.”  Human nature is strange, Therapist number three talked often about enmeshment.  She would explain that when we grow up in dysfunctional or abusive environments that sometimes we cause dysfunction or enmeshment in our relationships so that we can feel a familiar feeling, it is like we fight so that you can make up.  It is messed up.  I think Monty has that issue, and perhaps it is how his relationship with Nona existed. The further a way I get from the text the better I feel.  At this point what does it matter.

My internal dialogue asks, "I know I am to forgive everyone, and I suppose I am on that track.  Is it too much to ask to be left alone?"  I don't want anything from this guy, I want to forget about him and his selfishness. 

 

Words With Friends

Waking up bitter, wondering how many mornings I have woke up bitter in the last 3 plus years.  Probably less than you might think.  Having been in a marriage where my wife has been cheating on me for that time (3 years) and then confronting her on numerous occasions only to have her deny it you’d think more.  Strangely being a day away from my divorce being final I would have some sort of relief, however had a flood of memories this morning as I lied in bed knowing that I needed to be up soon to take my daughter to seminary. 

My memory this morning was mother’s day this year.  I had found in February 2012 a letter between her and Thomas Scott, in the letter she expressed her love for him and how she couldn’t wait to see him and talk to him etc… blah blah, just hurtful things.  The other thing that I had discovered was that she was playing words with friends with him.  I asked her to stop and of course she said she was very sorry, and would never have interaction with him again.  She also said that she wasn’t having an affair and that she wanted to be married.  Things were better for a couple of days, but before too long she was back to being distant and we were just trying to survive.  I had made real commitment to having family prayer, studying scriptures, and going to the temple.  Of course this always helps me; I had peace and was healthy.  Our Marriage was still a shit show as she would behave erratic, never supported me or the kids in any church type function.  Her focus was her business, and everything else was just noise.  If the kids didn’t want to attend their Wednesday night activities she didn’t encourage them to go, in fact helped them to not attend.  The kind of stuff that I suppose happens at other houses, but that no one would ever talk about.  Anyway Mother’s Day.  I’m in the kitchen have the grill heated up and am about to put on the steaks.  I hear her phone chime as it was left on the island in the kitchen, I look down and its words with friends… it is her move as Thomas Scott has just made his move. 

She was upstairs lying in bed or something self-indulgent; it is Mother’s day after all.  I went upstairs told her that her mother was on her way, the steaks were on the grill, the asparagus was in the oven, and that Thomas Scott had just completed his move.  I then told her that I could no longer put up with her cheating.   I left, drove out to Thomas Scott’s house and wondered if it was appropriate for me to interrupt his wife’s Mother’s Day with a visit.

Making Cookies For the First Time in 20 Years

Strange title I know.  It is the thought that I had the other day when I made cookies with my teenage daughter.  It had literally been 20 years.  My wife had asked for a divorce and we had been separated for more than 6 months.  Kind of a Sunday night tradition of making cookies had stopped obviously.  Funny I could not remember making cookies since forever.  I don’t think I ever made them in college; perhaps it was before my mission.  Don’t get me wrong, I have eaten my fair share of cookies.  My wife’s sister used to make the best cookies, but she hasn’t been in town for a couple of years.  Also the other day I bought Shampoo for the first time in I don’t know how long.  I’ve been with my wife when we have purchased it together; you know what I mean… but have been pre-marriage since the last time that I went to the store to purchase that kind of stuff.  Women are better; I don’t like what I bought my wife always bought the best smelling stuff.  I’m sure it wasn’t cheap, as nothing she ever bought was inexpensive. 

So here I am, 20 years of marriage about to end (this week).  How do I start to pick up the pieces?  It is not a total wreck; I have my health, a good job, and three kids that love me.  I have started to troll the online dating sights, sounds creepy I know.  My heart breaks so much for the lonely single people.  It is not what any one has chosen.  Therapist number 3 (My wife and I went to three therapists) gave me a great advice, for the record I like all three would recommend any three of them to anyone.  It just so happens that the third was one that my wife has shown an ability to finally keep consistent appointments with and tends to listen.  I don’t think that she was any better than the others just that the timing finally has worked.  Regardless T3 (the third therapist) told me it was OK to look forward to life after divorce, but to not engage in any relationship work prior to the divorce.  It feels good to have been faithful to the very end.  Not the reason I’m writing just my way of expressing how strange the thought of seeing women is at this point in my life. 

Had a great phone conversation this last week with my friend the Pilot, he always helps me to gain perspective regarding the eternities.  We have literally been friends since we were 3.   We always pick up where we left off, understand each other, and he makes me laugh.   Our short conversation helped me to look forward to the new life ahead, he reminded me that I don’t have a hard time meeting girls and there are a ton of girls that I’d be over the moon to date.  Makes me happy.